The shock was overwhelming as he gave me no options, so here I am crying and thinking I am going to die soon. My life literally flashed before my eyes, at the end of his speech the only good thing he said was that he would me a copy of all my record and I can seek a second opinion. Well, thank God for that.

Next day I made an appointment with a surgeon in Englewood. Surgeon was recommended by a friend of my sister-in-law who had been-there-done-that and praised that surgeon. She was right; the surgeon was great, he review everything and gave me several options, the main being to save my breast as the tumor was still very small but growing fast.  Surgery day was schedule for September 19, 2003.  My husband, my daughter and my mother where by my side at the hospital. I had a partial mastectomy with lymph node dissection, the lymph node was negative, estrogen/progesterone receptor positive meaning that my cancer was being fed by my e/p and aggressive (fast growing). For some reason after surgery and for the next several months I was very cold all the time, just had the chills. I was scared to death of being in surgery but put up a great front and try to look calm for the family, guess this is normal as everyone going through this has said the same thing. Recovery was tough but I did a lot of praying and that kept my mind busy, the support from family, friends and coworkers was out of this world, I cannot thank everyone enough. 

A friend sent me an email and at the bottom of the email there was an short prayer and I though that it was the most beautiful and appropriate thing I had seen, because now more than ever I needed God by my side “Lord I love you and I need you, come into my heart, and bless me, my family, my home, and my friends, in Jesus name”. I typed it and put it up everywhere, mirrors, in my car, everywhere my eyes looked, I was set on memorizing this short prayer. Shortly after, I did memorize it but then I could not stop myself from hearing it in my mind, it was wonderful, I just kept repeating it.

I immediately went into fix mode. I was not going to accept this cancer. I was busy praying and trying to look strong.   I did not want anyone to know how I was really feeling so writing things down and telling it to God gave me an outlet to express my feelings, thoughts and fears. This is why I am able to recall most of the details here as I was writing everything down.

The next step was to see an oncologist. He came highly recommended by my Surgeon. But learning from past experience, I opted to go for a second opinion. Both oncologists suggested the same treatment so I opted to stay with the one my Surgeon recommended. My oncologist recommended 4 cycles of chemotherapy every three weeks, using Adriamycin and Cytoxan (a.k.a. Red Devil) followed by 26 treatments of radiation. While still working full time, I had planned everything, I would take several days off to do the chemo and rest for the weekend.

First Chemo: Wednesday November 26, 2003, day after my 38^th birthday and day before Thanksgiving I had a port-a-cath installed in my chest to make the process of the chemo easier on my hard-to-find veins. My husband as usual was by my side at the hospital. The same day I was to start my first chemo, they took me in to surgery and installed the port, when I woke up I was already hooked up to the IV that would deliver the chemo. Within the hour of getting chemo my heart started to race, I felt that my heart was going to come out of my chest, I thought I was having a heart attack, I panic and told the nurse, right away they came and in and hooked me to an EKG. My heart was ok; I guess it was my body reacting to the harsh chemicals, and I mean HARSH.
I spent most of that day at the hospital, when I got home I felt drugged up and not too good but managed. Following day Thanksgiving Day had to go back to Hospital to get a shot of Neulasta which would build my blood count so that I would not develop anemia.  Afterward we had a beautiful dinner at my sister’s house which as much as I tried to enjoy was just not the same as I wanted to be home in bed but managed to stay a bit and enjoy. By Friday I was feeling worse, horrible, nausea, fatigue beyond words; every bone in my body ache and I had a huge headache, even my teeth and gums were aching. The smells bothered me (food, perfumes, lotions, etc.) and I had no taste in my mouth, therefore even water was nauseating to me. By December 3^rd I had develop mouth sores, constipation and break out of pimples in my chin and neck and all of my hairs were completely gone. I was hoping to feel better by Monday and go back to work but that was not the case, my body needed two more days and by Wednesday of the following week I was able to get out and drive without feeling that I would be a danger to myself and to others on the road.   

I was prepared for my hair to start coming out within 14 days, so within the second week of my first chemo I planned to cut it very short so I would not have to deal with hair falling out everywhere. My husband and daughter took turns in shaving all of my hair off; we made it a family affair. I was truly ok being bald as I knew this was temporary and it would grow back. I had bought a wig and used it maybe two times but did not like how it felt (hot, uncomfortable, etc.) so I got different color bandanas and that’s what I wore for the next several months. While I was ok being bald, deep inside I felt striped of something and felt a bit uncomfortable at looking at the mirror and did not want my family to see me bald at first so I would sleep with the bandana on. Throughout all of this my faith grew and grew and I pray a lot and I thanked God every minute of every day for guiding me and giving me the strength that I needed to get through this. The memory loss was the most awful thing, I was writing notes to remind me of things, but I would forget that I wrote the note in the first place if I did not put it in a place that I would constantly be looking in. 

Second chemo: December 17, 2003, as usual my husband was with me, instead of the hospital I was getting the chemo at my oncologist office. I sat down, got comfortable and my husband was with me in the room. Three weeks had gone by since my installation of the port and by this time the skin was healing and scabbing, therefore when the nurse came over and tried to stick the needle into the port through my skin, I sought God, it was the most horrendous pain I had felt, I start to cry and called out to God, my husband who was there lowered his head and had tears on his eyes, as there was nothing he could do to help me accept be there for me. Once the nurse pushed the needle through it was ok. Friday I had to go back to office to get my shot of Neulasta. Felt dizzy and light headed for the next couple of days, some nausea, a lot of fatigue, just want to be in bed could not get up, slept all day long for two to three days. I started getting a lot of heartburn after eating whatever I managed to eat and more painful mouth sores. Also by this time the constipation had gotten worse I could not have a bowel movement for about three days after the chemo and when I manage to have a bowel movement it was bloody.

Third Chemo: January 7, 2004 the needle did not hurt as it did the last time. Spoke to the doctor about the symptoms of the last chemo and he suggested taking Zantax for the heartburn, it made it better. Rinsed my mouth with hydrogen peroxide and it cleared my mouth sores faster. Everything else was basically the same except more intense, dizzy and light headed for the next couple of days, had some nose bleeds for a while which was strange as I never had a nose bleed, my eyes were very dry and blurry, all day and night on Sunday a lot of nausea and some vomiting, a very nasty taste of LED in my mouth which made the food taste awful, a lot of fatigue, throughout all of this my faith kept me going and did as much praying and talking to God as I could, asking Him to give the strength needed to get through this, but by this time I felt depleted, the accumulative effect of the chemo was getting worse and worse. By Sunday night I broke down and cried like I had not done in a long time as I felt like I was so close to death. The feeling was indescribable, but all along there is my husband holding me, I remember tell him as I cried that I could not do this anymore, that I would call the doctor on Monday and tell him that I was not going to take the last chemo, as I had no more strength to do this again. I just felt horrible. I still continue to praying as this is what kept me going.

January 17, 2004 was feeling better and the family was visiting at my cousin’s house because her brother and daughters were coming for the first time to the US from Dominican Republic. All was well, talking in the kitchen with the ladies just goofing, then all of the sudden a bolt of lighting, as I felt it, went through my chest so strong that it literally picked me off of my chair, in the meantime everyone was asking me if I was ok, but I could not speak, I started to cry but it was not a sad cried, it was a peaceful cry, and as I am crying this soothing, soft heat was slowly rising from my chest as something that was coming out of me. I had never experience anything like this but I felt such peace within. In the meantime the ladies are all over me fanning me and I am signaling that I am not hot to stop doing that but they did not understand me as I still was unable to speak. This all happen in a matter of maybe a minute or two, just as quickly as it came it quickly dissipate. When I was able to speak and get up from the chair I walked to a window and thanked God for being with me all this time and allowing me to feel His presence through the Holy Spirit. We stayed for a while with the family and afterwards went home; as soon as I was in my room I knelt down and prayed. I truly believe that on this day I was visited by the Holy Spirit and I will never forget the experience.

Fourth chemo: January 28, 2004 last chemo, lets celebrate or not, every symptom from previous chemo was basically the same except more intense, dizzy and light headed for the next couple of days, my eyes were very dry and blurry started using tears from a bottle, Sunday night into Monday morning was horrible a lot of nausea and more vomiting, no strength at all, on a scale from one to ten I felt that my energy was about a three, to be generous. The nasty taste of LED in my mouth which made the food taste awful was even worse by now. Praying kept me focused on getting through this and directing my energy to something else other than what I was actually feeling.

Once the chemo was finished, I had to get through 6 weeks of radiation everyday Monday-Friday because I’d had the partial mastectomy. With the breast conserving surgery there is always the chance of micro-metastasis. Having radiation should kill any cancer cells that are left.

Had February to recoup but had other appoints pending. I was tested for both BRCA1 and BRCA2 which assesses a woman’s risk of developing breast or ovarian cancer based on detection of mutations in the BRCA1 and BRCA2 genes. My results were inconclusive. Researchers know that mutations in these genes may lead to breast cancer, but not all the mutations are mapped. Some mutations may lead to breast cancer, other mutations have no potential problems, and some like me, inconclusive, are not sure what these mutations mean.

February 27, 2004 I began taking Tamoxifen for the next five years, a low dose chemo in pill form that interferes with the activity of estrogen. Estrogen promotes the growth of breast cancer cells. Tamoxifen works against the effects of estrogen on these cells. It is often called an “anti-estrogen.” As a treatment for breast cancer, the drug slows or stops the growth of cancer cells that are present in the body. As adjuvant therapy, Tamoxifen helps prevent the original breast cancer from returning and also helps prevent the development of new cancers in the other breast. Some of the side effects of Tamoxifen are similar to some of the symptoms of menopause, hot flashes, irregular menstrual periods, headaches, fatigue, nausea and/or vomiting. After all I have been through, I need more of this?? Once I started had some nausea and lots of hot flashes, had to practically carry a fan with me everywhere.

March 5, 2004 my husband drove me to the hospital to get the port out of my chest, I did not know until I was in the operating room that I was not going to be put to sleep as taking the port out only took several minutes. My surgeon explained what was going to happen and proceeded to locally anesthetized my chest, I was not prepared for this, while I was not in any pain because of the anesthesia, I was still dramatized by hearing what was going on and the awful smell of my flesh, as he used a laser beam to open the skin and remove the port. It all took about 10 minutes but to me it felt like eternity as I prayed and cried, cried and cried…….  
March 16, 2004 had a colonoscopy. All was well with my colon, guess the constipation and bloody stool was due to the harsh chemo.  Once again I was going to get through this while working, so I spoke to my boss and opted to have the last appointment of the day in order to go to work and leave around 2 pm and be at the hospital by 3-3:30 pm.  I began my radiation treatments on March 17, 2004. Everything was feeling somewhat normal as far as my routine was going; my hair was starting to slowly grow back. Two weeks and a half after I started radiation I decided that I needed a break from it all. My husband and I decided to take a trip I always wanted to take but had not done so in the past, Las Vegas, Nevada. Within days I planned the trip for the both of us and my daughter. I spoke to my doctor and he was not happy about me postponing 3 straight days of radiation but he understood that I needed the break so off we went on April 7 to Las Vegas for 4 days. Along with my daughter and husband I enjoyed myself as much as I could and we had a great time.

Radiation continued and by the 4 or 5^th weeks of treatment my right breast was beginning to burn really bad. The pain was excruciating, throughout the day my bra would stick to the raw skin and when I try to peel it off it was just plain agonizing. It was hard to sleep as I was tired of sleeping on my left side but I could not be on my right side as it was very painful. I tried pure aloe from a plant I had in my house and it felt soothing for the most part, but like most things it works for a while, I spoke to my doctor and he prescribe a lotion to put on my poorly burn breast and that made it better.  It started to clear up about two weeks after I finished treatment sometime in May 2004.

With the end of treatment instead of joy came sadness, all of my emotions that were suppressed throughout all came rushing out and my feelings were raw and intense and it was making me feel crazy. My emotions changed from minute to minute, scared, hopeful, sad, mad, confused, what next? I didn’t want anyone to know how I really was feeling. I put on my smile, but when I was alone, I cried a lot. I was somewhat prepared for all the physical symptoms of this disease, but I was not prepared for the emotional roller coaster ride.  I took 8 months off from work on disability which gave the chance to cry even more while I was sitting at home doing nothing but I needed the rest and slowly I started to feel somewhat like my self, I knew that I would never be the same person as I was prior to my diagnosis. One major change in my life was that I was able to appreciate life and the little things it has to offer and not take my family for granted and tell them that I love them more often. I don’t get angry with people like I use to, I have learned to appreciate each person that comes my way just as they are.

I visit my oncologist every three months and have my regular mammogram and breast MRI test done every year and by the grace of God all is well. There is always that deep down fear it could happen again. I hear stories of many women that have recurrences but I have surrendered it to God. His will be done, not mine. We are all at risk for cancer and must take precautions. We can not live our life in fear of this disease, but we can take steps to prevent and if there is a positive diagnosis, meet it head on in battle with a positive attitude of winning. A positive attitude is a major part of the healing process. I remember telling people after my surgery and even today that I “had” cancer rather than I “have” because I was not willing to give cancer any control over my body is if it was still residing in me.
I don’t want to ever forget my experience with cancer because that would cause me to be unappreciative of my health today. Today I choose to live in joy and not take it for granted for I have no control of what might come tomorrow.

A week or so had passed and I was sitting in the break room at Costco, and the thing was, I couldn’t sit down. It hurt so much to sit down. I remember I had to leave the break room, and I could not find my mother in the office. So I stood there, outside the office, leaning against the wall while one of her co-workers called her over the radio. Once she arrived, I got the car keys from her and went to the car to lie down. I still didn’t think much of the pain, but luckily my mother insisted that she set up a doctor’s appointment.

I remember that it was a Wednesday afternoon. After school, I was not looking forward to going to the doctor’s office. Even while I was at the doctors, I did not think that anything serious was happening to me, or my body. They asked me if it were possible that I was pregnant. I told them no, but I was still required to take a pregnancy test. I don’t remember much of what she told me, I just remember her telling me that I needed to go to the Emergency Room right away. So, that is what we did.

While in the Emergency Room, I felt starving. I had not eaten anything during that day, and just my luck, I was not allowed to eat anything while I was in there. I had to drink something with a contrast in it for my CAT scan. It was banana flavored, but tasted nothing of the sort. It was really nasty, and I didn’t finish all I had to drink. If I tried to, I would have surely puked. We didn’t just go in and out of the ER. We were there for hours. After the CAT scan, we still had to wait for the results. The doctor came over to us, and told me that a tissue mass had grown in my stomach. I had no clue what that meant. He continued to tell us that I would have to undergo surgery to get rid of it. At that moment in time, I was not scared, all I wanted to do was go home and go to bed. The doctor however would not let us go after that. He made phone calls and tried to find me the best doctor he could, so they could help me. I think at about one or two in the morning, we were finally released.

At five o’clock the next morning I had to wake up and head out to San Francisco. I had an appointment with Dr. Chen, who works for UCSF. While heading towards the building, I noticed on the side it said “Cancer Treatment Center”. It still hadn’t hit me, what was wrong with me. But I soon found out, as we talked to the doctor. I had a tumor on my right ovary. My surgery would be scheduled for a week later. I would have to be in the hospital for three days or so, with six or eight weeks out of school. The doctors told me that many teenagers had this kind of problem, but most turned out to not be cancerous. Boy, how wrong they were.

The day didn’t end there, however. I had to get an ultra sound so they could get a better look of the tumor. When we went back to Dr. Chen’s office, she told us even more. The pictures were not clear about where exactly my tumor was. It was for sure on an ovary, but the question was, was it also on my uterus? If it were, that would mean that would too have to be removed, and I could never have children. At this point, my mom began crying. It hurt me even more to see her crying. I was scheduled the next day to have a PET scan.

I was in so much pain during the PET scan. I had to lie under a big, loud machine without moving. I didn’t get to just go in and out of there, either. The tumor put so much pain as I lay there, that it was just impossible. I had to take some vicodin so I could relax and actually get the scan done. Luckily, the results from the scan came back showing the tumor was not on my uterus.

Honestly, I was not scared at all. I believed what they said, that everything would be okay, that it would not be cancerous. I was not scared right before the surgery, because I didn’t know what surgery was like. After the surgery, I was in so much pain. All I wanted was to eat or drink something. After I was awake for an hour, they brought my upstairs to my room. It hurt so much to room. I don’t think I slept much that night.

I remember in the morning when Dr. Chen came in. I remember her telling my mother and I… that I had cancer. I don’t remember how I felt. My tumor marker had been about 9,000 after the surgery. The normal range was below six. Remember how they thought I would only stay in the hospital for three days? Well, that three turned into twelve, because during the visit, it was decided that I would start my chemo treatments. It was not during my first chemo round that I felt sick, at all. All I wanted more than anything was to go home.

When I first came home, my body still hurt so much. I didn’t have much of an appetite. I was tired all of the time. I remember my family visiting. I loved seeing everyone. It was wonderful knowing that many people were supporting me.

I had to go back to the hospital every three weeks for five days. The two Wednesdays in between those visits I had to go to the clinic to get a dosage of a medicine. I remember that medicine was the one which made me extremely exhausted.

Now, the hospital visits were what I dreaded the most. The first day would never be so bad. The days where I felt nauseous were the worst. I never wanted to eat. If I did I would throw up. And when there was nothing left to throw up, I would still throw up. I felt so horrible throughout my treatments. All I wanted to hear my doctors say was that I didn’t have to come back anymore, that I didn’t need any more treatments.

Aside from feeling sick, another side affect is hair loss. Losing my hair hit me hard. One of the nurses said it didn’t seem like I was going to lose my hair. I think during my second five day round, which included Thanksgiving Day, was when I started losing my hair. At home, I had started losing it, but it was not intense. But while I was at the hospital, it got worse. I would slightly touch my hair, and a lot of hair would fall out. After an hour or so of just laying down, I would look at my pillow, to see it full of hair. Oh, how messy my hospital room became. There was hair on my pillow, my bed, and all over the floor. It was slightly embarrassing. It was horrible. Absolutely horrible. The day I came home from that treatment, I shaved my head.

I can’t explain how happy I was when I was told it was most likely to be my last round. Even though I still had to go through that round, just knowing that I wouldn’t have to come back for five days ever again had made me so happy. No more restless nights. No more having to wake up every half hour to go potty due to all the fluids they put in me. No more having to check my vital signs at all hours of the night.

I don’t think a lot of people know how hard cancer can be, mainly because they never had to deal with it. I always think that people were around me while I was sick, still don’t know how hard it was. But honestly, I think they do. I can’t imagine what it is like to see a loved one sick and helpless.

I am so glad that I was able to get through cancer. A lot of my family members, as well as doctors and nurses have told me that I am a very strong person, but most of the time I don’t feel that way. Most of the time I felt like I was such a weak person.

This whole cancer experience… is one I will never forget. If I could, I would change it so that no one else in the world would have to go through it. Sometimes, I think that smokers deserve cancer, because they know it can happen to them. But the truth is I don’t think they deserve cancer. No one does.

The only good thing which came out of all of this is the lessons I learned. I learned to be grateful for everything there is in life, and to not take it for granted. I know that so many people do take life for granted, and it really saddens me. There are so many worse things that can happen to us in life, yet we make such a fuss over the small things which do occur. I think we all deserve a slap in the face for that.

I am the 7 of 11 siblings in the family. My father, Rodolfo is now 67 years old. Four days ago, my niece rushed her to the hospital and he was diagnosed with Dengue fever, stage 2. Dengue fever is up to stage 3 so he is very close to death. Good thing, he survived from that one. I am very thankful for the doctor in Baguio Medical Center for providing him an excellent medical attention. After a few days, my sister sent me a text message saying that my father has a Colon Cancer. He was given up to six months to live and a surgery will prolong his life for only another up to a year. The cancer already covered up to 2cms of his colon and is groving rapidly. If his bowel movement goes abnormal then he will die right away. There’s an option, though - a surgery to insert a tube straw which is called colonic stent.

My father cried when he found out that he is dying of cancer but happy because he is saved by God through Jesus Christ by accepting him as his personal savior. He think that he’s ready for this since he already finish his obligation with us by bringing us up to be a good person and a blessing to everybody.

I just hope and pray that my father will not suffer a lot before he goes away. Father, for all that you did, I love you and you will be missed. We will see you in heaven.

Cherrylyn

I have a cancer story to share. Actually, I have two, as I went through cancer 8 years ago at the age of 32 and am now going through it and the treatments once again at present.

I can only hope that my experiences can maybe, in some small way, but hopefully in a big way, help even one person find the courage, hope, faith and strength to cope and get through their own trying time or that of a loved one or friend.

One very important thing I want to say right at the beginning is..NEVER ever give up. Please, the biggest part of the fight is just that, the fight for the will to live.   Your inner strength will play one of the biggest parts of the therapy and healing. It all starts at home…within you. And each and everyone of us has that inner strength…you just may have to dig a little deeper to find it. No pity partioes will help you….be strong and FIGHT!
8 years ago, I was experiencing a lot of pain and abnormal bleeding. (I promise never to get graphic). I went to my gynecologist and had a regular pap smear…oh and yes, just my luck, there was a power outage right in the middle of my exam!! Anyway, as soon as he had a look-see, he knew right then and said that it was displasia, which is pre-cancerous cells. It must have been pretty bad if he could actually see it without waiting for test results. I was floored. Cancer. My mom had died of lung cancer when I was just 18 and now I was going to face cancer….without her? I was so afraid…for about the first 5 minutes and there it came, this inner strength. I found it somehow and knew right then that it was do or die. Period. I have lived with the most positive attitude out there ever since and it has got me through things I never thought possible.

The test results came back and it was full blown cervical cancer that was invasive, which means that it was spreading. I had 2 surgeries to try and get it all to no avail. I was sent to one of the top 14 hospitals in the country and still have the very same oncologist  now as I did then. We did the normal MRI, CT Scan and PAP’s and sat down with a plan. Did I want more children? Yes, but I wanted to save my life so I could be there for my husband and my only child. I saiod I was ready for the radical hysterectomy, which is something like a compltete (full) hysterectomy but they had left the ovaries to save me from going through premature menopause at such a young age. Needless to say, it didn’t work and at the age of 32 I was having the night sweats, hot flashes, mood swings and everything else that applies to menopause.   That was ok though, my surgery was over, I was healing and it was time for the radiation therapy to begin. 12 weeks of intense radiation to my abdominal area. It wasn’t bad though, there was no pain, no burning, no iotching or anything. I did however, start to feel a bit nauseaded for about the last 3 weeks off and on, but nothing too major. I also got fatigued more often and quite sleepy, but I got through it like a real trooper. (Remember that inner strength?)

It was over within about 4 months tops. I felt good and was healing ever so nicely…and so very happy to have that disease out of my body once and for all. I was very, very happy and relieved and felt I had been given a second chance at life.  When people say that colors are more vivid and scents smell stronger and the world seems sweeter? It’s true, at least in my case it was. Many things changed about me, some better, some worse. But, because of the changes, I am no longer married. That is a whole other story though.

One thing I would like to mention is this. When I said about the pain and bleeding? Those were all symptoms I never really should have been having. They said that I shouldn’t have really had any symptoms whatsoever! Tell me that wasn’t like a tap on the shoulder from someone watching over me!!

So, 8 years later rolls around. I am now having pain in my lower abdomin where the appendix would be. I fought with it for about 5 nights and got really scared, so I went to the ER. They said it was way too low to be the appendix and thought maybe ovaries or gallbladder. I had an internal ultrasound and they found absolutely nothing…NOTHING to be causing the pain. Not one thing! They sent me home. I followed up with my regular doctor who also found nothing. He told me that instead of passing the buck, so to speak, that he wanted me to go back to Magee Women’s Hospital where I had went before. I was more than happy to go back there since they were the wonderful people who had saved my life.

I got back to Magee, had a CT Scan which showed clean and my wonderful oncologist requested me to have what they call a PET Scan. This is nuclear medicine now that we are talking about and a very expensive test. He wrote a 19 page report on my existing and prior case and the test was ok to have, the insurance would cover all of it!!  I was scheduled and went it for it. One week later, on April 5, 2006, my 40th birthday, my oncologist calls me and tells me in such a nice kind way that, “Trac’, I want you to have a round (6 cycles) of chemo”. I asked, “I have cancer again?” and he said “Yes Chief, you have 2 infected lymph nodes to take care of”. Once again, my world crumbled for about an hour and there were tears and horrible images going through my mind. I was afraid and very much alone without my husband with me this time around. That inner strength? It came back. Again it would pull me through some of the deepest darkest places I have ever been. Everyone has it within them, you just have to be wise enough to see it and smart enough to use it. It’ll save your life. Trust me.

Again, the pain I was having? There was absolutely nothing to cause it. The lymph nodes were both on the right side, one by the kidney (very small tumor) and one by the lung, just a little larger of a tumor. So again, another tap on the shoulder from someone watching over me? Had to be. And if it wasn’t for the PET Scan being done, I most likely would have been a goner because before my chemotherapy got started, 2 cancerous lymph nodes turned to 5…quickly. And if I wouldn’t have had that scan, it would have went undetected for God only knows how long and would have eventually become invasive and aggressive and invaded the major organs. So I can only thank God and my Dr. for this test.

I finished up one round (6 treatments) of two different types of chemo, one being the older Cisplatin and the other being the newwer experimental chemo Paclitaxol. They have been outstanding for me! I am now back down to 2 very small (.6 mm) sized tumors and have just finished up chemo number 7 with one more to go. They feel that this 7th one took care of what it needed to do but the 8th would be for good measure. I pray this is so. I want to be danicing with NED (No Evidence of Disease) for Christmas and have my hair growing back!

Ah yes, the hair falling out. I ended up having a 16″ ponttail cut off and it now sits in a large freezer bag in my drawer as a reminder to me of yet another bout with a very serious killer disease. And yes, it started falling out right after my very first treatment. BUT, I am on some pretty heavy duty chemo, this will not always be the same senerio for everyone. As a matter of fact, I lost most of my body hair, but hey ladies, no more legs to be shaved for quite some time!

Now for the side effects of the chemo. With having 2 different types, it’s harsh to the body, mostly the stomach and the nausea can be brutal at times. The metalic taste in my mouth makes ever=n water taste burnt. Fresh fruits and vegiies are the key to getting through this. I stay away from fried, heavy and greasey foods because they irritate the belly and make it all worse. I take in a lot of fluids to help flush out the excess chemo (which needs to be done since some of the older chemo can be hard on the kidneys). I have been prescribed some really top of the line anti-nausea meds that work wonderfully. There are so many medications that can be prescribed to get you through the hard times and nausea, etc. Chemo is a very dramtic thing to go through…physically, mentally, emotionally…every way possible. But, there are people out there who are more than willing to help out and be supportive so that NOBODY will ever have to go at it alone…ever. I have made wonderful friends through a place called “Chemo Angels”. I have 2 women “Angels” who sent me gifts and cards once a week to keep my spirits up and they couldn’t be more wonderful. I have made a new best friend through one of them and we keep in touch. She has also went through cancer, so she knows exactly where I am coming from and headed.

Well, that, in a nut shell, is my story. I could go into more detail, but wanted to just get the important things in here for you to read. Eeven though I have been through some of the most life transforming things anyone could imagine, I still have so much faith, hope and strength and wish that all of you could find that within you or someone you are trying to help cope with cancer. Just being a friend and offering words and a shoulder…always willing to listen and offer that shoulder for them to cry on makes all of the differenc einthe world. Offer to cut grass and do yardwork and don’t take no as an answer. Any cancer treatment will be rough and will really sap the energy out of a person, so just go and do it for them. Nice cards and a phone call to say HI is more than wonderful. Just letting that person know you care is more than you could ever imagine.

All of my very, very best to you. May God be with you all during the hard times you may face.

Tracy…..

Janelle Liss

I get frustrated by others’ inability to understand or empathize with what I’m going through…and frustrated more so when they even begin to try. I hate being viewed as “someone with cancer” and that being the be-all, end-all of who and what I am. That just isn’t so.

I hate that people feel as if they need to “learn” how to cope with this aspect of myself, like they need to do research, or buy books or find out all they can. I’m not something you can study, experiment with, what have you. I think those with serious illnesses probably detest being stereotyped or somehow branded, clumped together wholly as a demographic with no other common traits besides being ill, and then somehow analyzed. This isn’t a cattle call and I don’t want to be analyzed….I can’t be. I can’t be fit into some nice, neat package of how I’m going to act, respond, feel, think. It changes daily. And varies certainly from person to person.

Regardless, it bothers me that people even feel as though they need to learn how to “deal” with me. I don’t want to be dealt with or put up with, don’t write off my inconsistencies as a man, as a person, simply because I’m ill. I never asked anyone to deal with me, I never asked anyone for anything — expect simply to allow me to deal with MYSELF. I’m not like anyone else, so my journey, my struggles are altogether foreign to everyone - most of all to me.

This is all new, every day is new. A new battle, a new fight, a new Robert. I don’t see how it could be any other way.

I have to admit, I greatly admire those that can go through what I’m facing right now and feel completely positive about the outcome. The ones that don’t wake up bitter or angry — the ones who don’t allow fear to perpetuate. But that isn’t me. Most days, I’m petrified about what could happen to me, to my son. Other days, I’m angry. I mean, we all have those “Why me?” moments, right? So seriously…why me?

Sometimes I end up in this dark place where I begin to act cold and callous. Two things I know aren’t truly inside of me, but still manage to rear their ugly heads. I’ve never been so uptight, unhappy in my life. Ask Jess, I was always happy before - this. Probably happy to the point that it agitated others, but I didn’t care. That person is long gone, I‘m almost certain. Happy is now one of those transient, fleeting things that I try desperately to cling onto when it finds its way into my life. But it often leaves so quickly, leaving nothing more than a residue of its previous existence. An idea, a notion…simply a nod.

It shouldn’t be that way, right?

So then why is it?
 

I was diagnosed with Stage IV cancer, have finished 6 months of chemo, am going through maintenance IV drips once a week for one year. But I’m antsy. I aint willing to hang around till my 5 year mark is up. Nope!! I must say though, my Celexa (anti-depressant) works TOO well

::::::: GRINS:::::::::::::::

I was watching TV one day and I caught the segment of the Oprah Winfrey show where she did the story on Lance Armstrong and about his cancer story. At that point I was beginning to feel like I was a fake and that I cheated somehow. I was feeling like such a fake and I convinced myself that I WAS NOT A SURVIVOR. In my mind I didn’t survive anything. I had surgery and that was it. I didn’t go through anything that Lance had gone through so how can I be a survivor. I convinced myself that I WAS NOT A SURVIVOR. My Mom also saw the story on Lance Armstrong and she suggested that I get one of those “LiveStrong” bracelets. I didn’t deserve it, so I thought nothing of it.

My nephew came for a visit about 2 months later and we were waiting on breakfast one morning at Starbucks. This older gentleman sitting in the nice comfy chair asked my nephew about his yellow bracelet. This is what he told him…”I wear this for my auntie who had cancer but went into the hospital and is better now…” I asked him who gave him that bracelet, he said grandma did. He said he wanted everyone to know how much he loved me and he didn’t want me to die. Right then it hit me, I AM A SURVIVOR! It took my little nephew of all but 4 years old, to realize that yes, I am a survivor of cancer and yes I WILL LIVESTRONG. I purchased a whole lotta bracelets and handed one out to every single friend that I have. I attached a little note to each one saying that I thanked them for all their love and support and I asked them to wear this bracelet to show their support. I told them that I had donated to the Lance Armstrong Foundation so that others who didn’t have the love and support that I did could find some…I have a reason for living strong and its for my nephew…. REMY!